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  1. #1
    Editor Carlos Miller's Avatar
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    Default "If you're a Super Bowl tourist, don't go outside"

    Dave Barry hasn't been funny in years, but he is hilarious in his recent Super Bowl preview where he addresses people visiting from out of town.

    Below are a few gems.


    Welcome to Miami! Get ready for a fun Super Bowl week, because you're going to see some serious partying ``Miami Style'' -- people eating, drinking, singing, shouting, fighting, discharging firearms, sacrificing animals, sinking motor yachts and dancing naked around burning buses. And those are our police officers.


    But don't worry! You are perfectly safe. Miami has been hosting Super Bowls for more than 150 years, and in all that time no harm has ever come to a visitor who didn't do something stupid such as venture outside the hotel. So have fun! Here are some tips to help you make the most of your visit:



    South Beach is famous for its nightlife ``scene,'' featuring clubs where you can enjoy hideous music played at the volume of nuclear testing while running up a bar tab the equivalent of two years' tuition to dental school. South Beach also boasts a vast array of obscure celebrities, so you just might spot a famous DJ that you never heard of, or a Kardashian sister, or even -- if you're lucky -- a Real Housewife of New Jersey. Also you pretty much can't throw a rock over there without hitting Mickey Rourke.



    To get to the game, simply ask any Miami resident for directions to ``Sun Life Stadium'' and you will be rewarded with a blank stare, because until about 15 minutes ago it was officially named ``Land Shark Stadium.'' It has also been officially named ``Dolphins Stadium,'' ``Pro Player Stadium,'' ``Joe Robbie Stadium,'' ``McDonald's Value Meal Stadium,'' ``Toilet Duck Stadium,'' ``The Law Offices of Leonard A. Tortmonger and Associates Stadium,'' and ``Jason Whiffenberger's Bar Mitzvah Stadium.'' The largest cash business in South Florida is selling the naming rights to this stadium. For the right price, you can name it after yourself, but only until another buyer comes along, because it is not a faithful stadium. It's the 10-dollar hooker of stadiums.


    Anyway, to get to Hooker Stadium from Miami, get on I-95 (not recommended) and drive north until you enter the Golden Glades Interchange, which scientists believe was left here by alien beings.

    You will emerge from the Golden Glades somewhere near the stadium. Or, Cleveland. There is no way to tell.


    http://www.miamiherald.com/news/sout...459826-p2.html

  2. #2
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    Lol I *so* tweeted this. Thanks

  3. #3
    Editor Matt Meltzer's Avatar
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    I love pretty much anything Dave Barry does.

    I think he wrote more or less the same article three years ago. It was also hilarious. It's actually a Super Bowl Week tradition.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Matt Meltzer
    I love pretty much anything Dave Barry does.

    I think he wrote more or less the same article three years ago. It was also hilarious. It's actually a Super Bowl Week tradition.
    Three years ago? He pretty much writes the same article all the time...yet they're still funny. He's like the ACDC of humor writers: still cranking out the same riffs but it sounds so good!

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